Words
When I looked at the menu bar of my laptop, I was shocked by the “Dec 30“. Only one day left till a new year. I always thought it’s still 20+, and the approaching of new year seems a bit too fast.
It’s the 3rd day since I looked at my course evaluation for the fall semester. I’ve been thinking about those comments all these days, and even when I woke up in the middle of night. I think today I am calmer, and more acceptive, probably because I took a lot of time trying to learning lesson from those comments, instead of being just angry. And I think at this time I’m more ready to move on.
I have never received such negative and horrible comments since I became a TA. I was used to all the comments starting with my name and saying I’m a very nice, understanding, funny professor, or other positive words. This time, however, everything went the opposite. “Poorly“, “don’t know how to teach“, “unapproachable“…. those are the words I’ve never seen in my course evaluation.
The hardest lesson I have learned is that Chinese idiom — 说者无心、听者有意。I have no idea how to translate it elegantly, so I’ll just leave it there. Some words I said in the class was not intended, or it’s just something slip out of my mind or even just a joke, and I didn’t even pay attention. Those words, however, were taken down by the students, and used as an evidence to prove what a terrible person I am. Even the smallest mistake, such as forgetting about a charger, will be thought as “not prepared for class often“.
I created a Discord server for the class, which is sort of instant group chat app, so that people can get help more faster. I also thought it’s a way to get closer to the students. Again, this was also another way to get more complaints. Sometimes an emoji like a facepalm, or some capital letters, would be considered “unprofessional”, while all the help I provided, all the questions I answered, and all the advice I provided throughout the semester are simply nothing.
Part of the reason, I think, is because I’m basically stuck between the senior tenured professor who’s teaching the course with me and the students. The materials such as homeworks, labs, exams, are mostly provided by him, and whenever there’s some issue I always went to him and listened to him. Somehow I feel I’m just a marionette but also took all the bullets. If it were just me, in some cases I wouldn’t do what he told me. But I guess this is true for most of the jobs.
Reading throughout the comments, I gradually realized that, being a lecturer in a large class is just like being a public figure. Every word, every facial expression, every movement, is under public eye’s scrutiny, and will be used against you in every possible situation. The more you say or expose, the more vulnerable you are. At the beginning I really wanted to make myself their friends, and I think that’s the biggest mistake I made, because when you considered their friends but they didn’t consider you theirs, you became relaxed and less alerted and paid less attention to yourself. This is like a public figure becoming friends with paparazzi. Even the most friendly figure have boundaries with the public, and now I understand why.
The students, or a majority of them, don’t want to be your friends even if they followed you on social media; all they wanted is getting good grades. I also think I’m still in a mindset of being a TA, not a professor. Some words are harmless when said by a TA, because essentially they consider a TA their peer. But when you’re a professor, no matter how nice you present, or how approachable you show, or how close your ages are, they don’t consider you a peer.
I’m grateful for the comments, actually. They made me notice something I have never noticed, and learn a hard lesson. Though next semester I’ll be teaching the same group of students, and I know the impression I made is hard to break, at least from my side, I know what to do next. This is growing up, isn’t it? Some lessons can’t be learned from book but only from real life experience.
The lyrics of be happy? by Rina Aiuchi reads too real and relatable. Also Play a Love Song by Utada Hikaru.
