Separate Ways

When I was a TA a few years ago, there’s a student in my class. He’s a short guy, looking very laid-back and gentle, and he has big eyes. Later on I found he on the dating app, and that’s how I know he was gay. I sent out a message, asking if he’s in my class, and he replied LOL and said yes. I said “You’re so cute!“ and he thanked me. Probably I should've stopped there.

Soon after that chat, the midterm came, and I was proctoring the classroom he was in. I had no idea how to approach to boys, especially those I find attractive. But I wanted to try, because they say, you’ll never know unless you try. So my plan is this — after he submitted his exam, and I’ll follow him out of the classroom, and ask for his number. I mean, that’s usually what people do, I think. As his TA, I actually do have his number as a personal information in the roster, but I want to get his number from him directly, so I did, and I got his number.

After a couple of chats that semester, I finally got the courage to ask him out. I really liked him. I have no idea what to do after asking him out, but all I knew was I wanted to be with him, even if just wandering around Denver downtown. So texted him, and now that I looked at the message it sounds like I’m begging, and with zero confidence about myself:

Hey I’m thinking about asking you out for a date sometime during the fall break. Give me a chance!

He replied,

No Shudong, I only see you as a friend.

I accepted the reality, and it’s not surprising to me at all.

We stopped chatting with each other after I graduated. Lately he liked one of my posts on Facebook, so I went ahead and texted him. After a few updates, he said “I had mad respect for you“. So I replied, “Yea I had mad crush on you“. And then he stopped. I don’t know why I would say that, but I feel bad. It’s like I want to be rejected twice.

He reminds me of the passage I wrote about us, in my unfinished memoir MY LONELY TOWN. I think it’s one of the most beautiful pieces in the memoir.

At first we were walking in silence. The snow got heavy and it was almost impossible to talk. My shirt was wet, but thankfully I had my coat. He started walking backwards so that the snow only fell on his back.

…

I laughed a bit, didn’t say anything.

The campus was somehow empty while we were walking in the snow. We arrived at Hellems where he’ll have another class. We stopped and looked at each other.

“Thank you for everything for this semester,” he said. “If you want to hang out in Denver please let me know.”

I loved his accent. Forgive my ignorance; I only knew that people in Jordan speak Arabic at that time. He didn’t grow up speaking English, and he just immigrated to the states two years ago, so sometime he still has that sort of “awkward” moment when he wanted to say something but didn’t know how. For some reason I thought it was sexy, and attractive. I had those awkward moments too, but if they were only annoying and stupid, I guess.

We stood in silence for about two seconds, just looking at each other. He looked cold. I wanted to hold him in my arms. I wanted to kiss him, like the snow didn’t even exist, like the snow will melt away if we kiss each other passionately. It was easy for me to have a sexual feeling towards someone, and those mostly ended up with hookups and just sex, but it was rare for me to have the feeling of love — the kind of feeling that a teenager first discovered what it feels like to start loving someone. I was sure this time it was the latter.

Tamer didn’t move. Was he thinking about the same thing? Or more likely he was just wondering what I was thinking?

We said goodbye, eventually, and went on our separate ways. After I went a few steps, he shouted to me, “Thanks for walking with me!”

I turned around and waved to him.

We texted each other sometimes, but mostly I started it, and after a while we stopped texting each other.

That day we walked in the snow, just two of us, was still printed in my heart, like the ending of a beautiful and serene vintage movie. It must have left a so strong impression in me every time when it was snowing I thought of him.

I accepted his rejection pretty well, because as I wrote in my memoir, “I didn’t blame him, though. I have nothing to give.” Even now I still don’t know what I can give. Maybe in front of the right person, just being there is enough for him, and that’s everything I could give.

Spring is here! Lately it’s been raining all day, but I love this weather. The breeze is chill and so comfortable. Outside the window, birds are chirping on the trees all day, even in the rain. They must be happy to see those new leaves sprouted on the branches. So tender and so green. Sometimes the chirping is getting almost crazy in the morning and it wakes me up. It reminds me of those summer days in Great Barrington.