29
I’m not the type of person who’s crazy about birthdays. People who asked me what I’m going to do to celebrate my birthday usually are disappointed with my boring answer. No I’m not doing anything special. But why do I feel this year is a bit different? Probably because this year will be my last 20s. I’m turning 29, and will be 30 next year.
Thirty is a sensitive number, at least in my parents’ opinion, because that marks a person’s establishment of a family and a career. By the age of 30, they say, you should already have a stable job, a family with your own children, and so on. Many of my classmates from high school already made it.
Some days ago I was talking with my friend from grad school, and somehow we mentioned some career award by national science foundation. One of my colleagues has been awarded with this last year.
Should I think about myself a little bit? I don’t have any recognition, award, or achievement. I don’t really have a “career“, except I have a job that pays my bills and makes me do whatever I want. I pursue the things I like — bodybuilding, even though I’ll probably never be a professional one, but that’s something I’d like to do for the rest of my life because it makes me feel alive. In this sense, what does a “career“ really do if it doesn’t make you feel alive?
Sometimes I feel I’m really otherworldly, but it also made me lost as well. The thing I like, the thing I want to pursue, and the path I try to follow, is only mine, and so no others can understand or help. It’s even hard to know if what I’m doing is correct.
Actually at the beginning of this year, I was (and still am) looking forward to what’s going to happen. It’s probably the first time I have this feeling. I think it’s because I’m doing better in bodybuilding, and I saw a little bit hope, and therefore I look forward to see what I’m going to look like at the end of this year. Is it a coincidence that I have this feeling at the year where I turn 29? Is it because I want to see how I’ll welcome my 30s?
Listening to ZARD’s 「ハートに火をつけて」. I really almost forgot about this song, but when I was reading others’ reviews on the Internet this morning I came across this song. The review was correct — the melody is a bit plain, but the arrangement is good. I took it out and listen, and for some reason Izumi’s voice of the first sentence — 私たち 正反対のようで — sounds particularly gentle and soft. With today’s feelings, I’m glad I re-listened this song, and the lyrics gives me courage, as usual.
留まる ことない 時間
だからこそ いとおしい不安と興奮の岐路
いつも今が最高って思いたい自分で選んだ道だもの
後悔しないように
