Door
I’m not proud of my past, and even a little bit shamed of it. A majority of who I am today was shaped by my past I guess. Watching those videos of sports, now I wish I could be like the athletes there, not only just bodybuilding, but also maybe just sprinting, jumping, etc.
I don’t know if I was meant to be like this, or my childhood directed me to another path. I just remember I used to love running around, and even dreamed of being a gymnastics athlete. But instead I was forced by my mom to sit down to practice piano every day since 5 years old, when my friends were running around outside. After a long time, I gradually forgot those dreams, in the sedentary everyday life, and finally became very reluctant and hate exercises very much. That might be the source most of my problem. I have very awkward coordinations; I got sick very often; I got bullied by those jocks at high school. In addition to those physical aspects, I became introverted, shy, and a coward. I know it doesn’t make much sense to say all my problems are caused by others, or my mom, or the fact that I practiced the piano. I don’t have much memory about what I was like before starting the piano either, because it was too early, and it felt like I was born like this.
I certainly understand that my mom had a reason to let me play the piano, and made sacrifices. She wanted me to be a great person, except that she was lost, and didn’t have too much information and experience. She was trying to mold me based on what she saw.
Where’s my dad, then? I don’t know. I once dreamed that, since he watched football matches a lot, maybe we could be like other fathers and sons who practice football together. That, of course, never happened. Nor had I ever watched him actually playing football once.
Maybe I had a door that was open when I was born, but it was shut down before I even had my childhood memory. Since then, it was just me, staying in my own world. Don’t want others come in, or find out, and don’t want to come out either.
I know it’s late, even if there’s still a long way to go in this life, I’ll have to carry the history into the future on me. But I’m glad I’ve found the me that’s been hiding, outside that door. I know it, because of the happiness I found when I was working out, or playing tennis (though long time ago). I was awkward, and I have lots of body problems, and people might look at me thinking I’m funny, and that’s ok, because what they saw is not me. It’s the new me, only embedded in the flesh of my history. There are things that are too late to change, but there are more things to spend the rest of my life to perfect. The only thing that matters, now, is I’ve found that person I wanted to become, and I’ll keep pursuing. Maybe gradually, the shadow of the history I’m carrying now will become smaller and smaller — even if it never fades away completely and that’s ok — and you’ll see the brighter light out of me.
“許せなかった幼い日 どうかせめて前途ある未来に...”
