Lifestyle

I was watching a show while eating my breakfast, where the girl was asking another one, “You want to grab a lunch or something?” It made me think about the lifestyle I’ve chosen. Five meals a day. Fixed time for eating. How many people have chosen this lifestyle? And why did I choose it in the first place?

I guess there’s just a hole in me. I’m not complete. I can’t face the world like other normal, complete people, because I am broken. I am desperately looking for that missing piece of the puzzle, for that something that can fill the hole in me. Sexual or not it probably doesn’t really matter. Probably that’s why I can’t just make friends, especially male friends. Maybe only a man can fill that hole. Every time I talk to a guy in the gym, I can’t just treat him as a “friend” or someone I simply know. I treat them as potential sex partners: I want to know if they’re single, if they’re gay, if they can fill the emptiness in me. I hate myself for that. It is also disrespectful for them. Why can’t I just take them as friends, like any other normal person? I can be outgoing, and I can potentially make many friends. Why can’t I just like any other man, who just talk about life and shit and sports while grabbing a beer? Sometimes I do feel disgusting about myself.

Growing up there are so many holes inside me and I finally started to try to fill them over these years. I think maybe choosing a lifestyle of bodybuilding is just my way of filling a hole. I’m not built for bodybuilding; I’m not good at it; I don’t have the genetics. But if it can make me at least a little bit satisfied, and make me feel a little bit more completed than I was, then I’m ok with the lifestyle, even if I feel trapped like a prisoner of my own.

I know some people say only yourself can make yourself happy, and only yourself can complete yourself. But what about men? Is that really something I can complete myself on my own?