I chose to better myself — a body and physique that I can be proud of. A CV, or just a paper summarizing achievements outside myself, doesn’t seem too important anymore.

I really wanted to have a conversation with him, and ask him if he’s taking the dating seriously. I know it’s too early to think about relationship, and that’s not what I’m asking. What I’m asking is the dating — is he taking the dating seriously and hoping best scenario where something comes out of it, or he’s just trying to meet a new friend to hang out with? I really want to know because it requires two different types of energy, and I’m tired of chasing the uncertainty.

But I also expect that this time the relationship might work, and maybe Andrei is different than those stereotyped flight attendants. If that’s the case, I don’t want my insecurity and suspicion to ruin this for me.

For a moment, I wanted to move my body so bad. Even just sprinting. Even just running. I want to move. I want to live like a man, and do all those sports and just kick, catch, run, jump, punch. I want to get rid of my glasses. I don’t want to do those “artistic“ things any more. I want to do manly things.

Now this summer, I re-started everything and bought the manga, all 9 volumes of it. It was absolutely a masterpiece, and I started to admire the format of manga, or even just graphic novels, for the vivid depiction of details of scenes, emotions, facial expressions, and so on.

Do I still want him back? Yes I do, but I certainly didn’t write this letter hoping to get him back. Like he said, we should let it happen organically, so I’ll just treat him as a normal friend: not totally cutting him off, but also not getting too close. If he came back, I’d do anything to make it right and have a second try. I’ll cherish the opportunity. If he didn’t, I wouldn’t be depressed either. People are meant to be walking their own ways alone, aren’t they?

Instead, I said, “You can’t give me what I want.“ He said well then I’m sorry. How I really want him to know that, he is exactly what I want.

Let’s try to make life exciting and interesting again, just like the first time we stay in a luxury apartment, and thought, wow never knew people can live in such a nice apartment. Look at the big window, the clean design, the high end kitchen, organized cabinets!