Sometimes

Sometimes I say well people are too shallow. Then I tell myself, I am shallow too, am I not? Everybody is shallow.

Sometimes I tell myself that if people made some effort to get to know me, to know my good traits, they will end up liking me, and realize I am a good person and a good partner. But then I thought, am I really a good person though? If they get to know me, maybe I’m actually worse than they thought. See what happened to Jonathan a few years ago.

So now I just tell myself, for a shitty person like me, I do not deserve love. It’s just not something I could, or even should have. And I guess my longing for love is just another punishment for me. The only way to ease the pain is through sex. I will gradually figure out a way to numb myself enough.