Black Coffee
Sometimes when I looked at those couples, how happy they look together in Instagram photos, about either a daily life or traveling, I somehow got jealous, and a little bit emotional. I know that living with someone else 24/7 could be beyond my imagination, and I don’t know if that’s really what I want. I am afraid that all my flaws, every tiny bit, will be displayed. I’m not sure if that’s the case, or maybe after a while those flaws will just be forgotten by the partner. But when seeing those pictures I still got emotional. A small part of me still want a family, even if it’s just two people together.
I realized I’m really a stalker. The guy, let’s call him TB (his initials), caught my eye first, because he’s really the only person (other than me) who wore glasses and looked very strong. I admit that the first time I saw it I think it’s very attractive. Glasses on a twink wouldn’t be attractive, but on a strong man like him, I felt I’m trapped. The only thing is I was not sure if he’s gay.
The other day when I was browsing the followers of Quads Gym on Instagram — and yes that’s how I tried to find guys I think attractive — I found his instagram. He’s not only gay, he has a husband. I guess this is just what a gym in a famous gayborhood brings. TB is a lawyer or a consultant, I’m not sure, and I found out that his husband is a middle school teacher. They looked so happy together.
Other than a little bit sad and jealous, I also feel that the fact they can meet the perfect each other in this world is so incredible and wonderful. Almost like magic. How did they have different jobs, work at different places, but happen to meet each other and move in together and then settle down? This whole thing seems uncanny to me. Of course, there might be more story behind this, but still looks like it’s arranged by something. God? Fate?
They say if you met the meant-to-be partner, you’ll think you’ve found another yourself.
I guess, if I just change myself — do what everyone else is doing, listen to what everyone else is listening, like what everyone else likes — without so much peculiar traits and tastes, I might be less lonely.
The question is, am I really willing to do that?
They say you need to open yourself to let others meet you and know you.
The problem is, I can’t. I’m afraid to approach to people, especially the ones I like at first sight. So basically it is me who chose loneliness. Even if I’m tortured by this choice sometimes, I even enjoy it a bit. As long as I can see the person I like at the gym, it puts my mind at peace, and as long as I can look at him occasionally when he’s working out, I’m more than happy. I just can’t be straightforward. I feel I’m more like a shy little girl.
Listening to SARD UNDERGROUND’s new song ブラックコーヒー (Black Coffee). The song is a medium tempo song. Not like the title, it brings a feel more like a glass of water — not even soda water — at beach the beach side. It’s probably caused by the cover art of the single. The song writes about a person who started to like black coffee as growing up, and probably uses it as a metaphor for love. Maybe that’s the first time she fell in love with someone and started a sweet relationship. It’s very subtle for sure. However, I really feel this song at so many places, especially that simple line:
“I want to grow up”
In the song, growing up means getting used to black coffee — its bitter flavor, but also rich scent. I wonder, I always think I’m a little boy who wants to grow up. What does that mean? Does that mean I’ll have a partner and start a family?
