Rain
The first time I held a boy’s hand was way back to high school, on a school trip, which was in the fall of 2010. The school trip was to hike in the mountains somewhere. As all the school trips, we took the bus, one class each bus, to a place much like the national park. We needed to hike to the top of the mountain, take the class photo together, and then come back down.
The sky was very clear, the typical autumn weather. With everything cooling down a little bit, the invisible smoke brought by summer days were gone too, it seems. In retrospect, the autumn that year had lots of rain, but not that day.
Once we reached the entrance of the national park, we were supposed to hike together as a class, including class teachers. Some kids were faster, some were slower, and gradually we spread out like ants. Surprisingly, I was hiking with those “jocks” in my class, so I assumed I was in the faster’s group. Even if I was not a sporty kid, those jocks were very friendly to me. And I enjoyed staying next to them too.
“You don’t seem to pant at all, and you don’t sweat a lot!” One of them said, on our way up. “Your body condition is really good.”
“You’re kidding me! I think you guys are much better.”
I really doubted it that my body condition is better. He was not teasing me; he was serious, because he did breathe heavily. What he said was probably wrong, but I was happy to be complimented by them. I was a nerd in high school, after all; it was already lucky enough not to be bullied by them. Compliment? I must be in heaven. This was not very surprising to me, though, because, once you had a good grade and you got high scores in exams, everyone seemed to care about you more. They started treating you as something precious. This gives me a sense of security -- either because I feel I’m protected by those big boys, or because I feel now I’m part of the “gang”, which I wish I was part of but never been able to. Or maybe both. Regardless, that kind of care and attention is something I had never had in the past, from school and home.
I did start breathing heavily when we were almost on the top of the mountains, though. The view from the top was indeed awesome, especially for someone who grew up in a major city and rarely went to the wilderness. The air is crisp that you can almost hear the cracking. Few leaves were still hanging on the branches of the trees, glowing in the sun. The purpose of this school trip, I heard, is to motivate us, and to give us confidence and courage to face the college entrance exam in the next year. It is probably the most important exam in our life. The spectacular view after a long and draining hiking is supposed to resemble our last year in high school, where we study around the clock with all our heart and efforts, and the reward -- a college admission -- is a such fantastic door towards our future.
All of the senior students, probably around 200, reached the mountain top. Taking photos, joking around, chatting, eating snacks. I looked at the view in front of me. In fact, not only is the view something I’ve never seen before, but the confidence too. I had always been a struggling students with my poor performance in the exams and self-esteem. I was always considered as those who should’ve had great scores but for some reason rarely did. Until three months ago when I ranked top 2 among all the senior students in an exam, and kept my rank around 12 afterwards. Only then did I realize I’m finally out of the dark tunnel and I’m on a new level of my life. Using scores to define my life did seem very shortsighted, but that is all we care about those days. The term “level of life” seems too abstract to actually feel, but when suddenly all teachers compliment you in front of the class or even all senior students, and when suddenly everyone knows your name, and when suddenly you’re the hope and pride of your parents and teachers, it is not that difficult to feel. Abstraction, after all, is just the generalization of all concrete events.
The downhill is not easy, but it’s another kind of difficulties than going uphill. Some sections of the road are covered by wood floors for hikers, some parts not. Those covered by leaves are the most dangerous because they are so slippery. We went down as a small group again, as we could help each other in case of incidents. I followed my small group, those big boys, again.
Kai was walking in front of me, and reminded me to be careful here and there. On our way, we exchanged words occasionally. Maybe we did chat a bit, but I couldn’t remember what about. I just remember I looked at his back. He had a larger build, and again, it made me feel safe. I rarely had any contact with him in school, though. He was a big boy who sits at the back of the classroom and hangs out with other big boys, but he was friendly to everyone, including me. He was not thought as handsome either, but most of the time he was just funny, saying something silly in class. He has that kind of adorable awkwardness, though. When we bumped into each other somewhere in the school, he just smiled and nodded awkwardly, like an adult. We laughed about this, me and the girl sitting next to me in the classroom. Not because we were making fun of it; we just thought it was funny.
Somewhere on the downhill path, the slope was getting steep and slippery because of the fallen leaves. Walking in front of me, Kai lent his arm to me without turning around.
“Come on, take my hand. Be careful,“ he said.
I didn’t know what to say, and my mind went blank. I just kept following him trying not to get lost. His arm was still stretching backwards, waiting for my hands. He called my name and half turned around. He was waiting for my response.
I lent my hand and grabbed his arm. Now thinking about it, I couldn’t remember exactly if I was holding his hand, or his wrist, or the cuff of his track suit. It didn’t matter, after all. I was following him, and looking at his wide and strong back. I must have blushed. At that moment I didn’t think about too much; all my attention was on the walking. On the way back, on the bus, he was still far away from me, and was joking around with other big boys.
It was already dark outside. I leaned my head on the window, and looking outside. Kai was not gay, and he was just being nice to his classmates, I’m pretty sure. But that sort of warmth and security he gave me made a mark on my heart till this day. Since then I knew, boys, or men, could be such a figure that I’d love to rely on. I guess also from then I knew for sure I am gay.
I didn’t think about this thing — when did I first time hold a boy’s hand — very often. This is one of those things that are not on your mind often, but once it is, it hits you hard. Like Mavis Fan’s music. Since I started listening to Japanese pop songs from 5th grade, I almost stopped listening to Mavis’ songs. I used to love her songs so much that I collected her VCDs or cassettes whenever I can, even if they are pirate versions and not official. That fall in 2010, when I was shopping in a mall, I noticed that all her official albums were re-released, from her first in 1995 till the last in her old label in 1998. I had saved some pocket money, and I bought them all. Suddenly, her music took me back to my childhood, and the songs that used to be simply melodic to me started to carry some real meanings and thoughts now.
My favorite album is RAIN, her debut album released in spring 1995. She smiled to the lens on the album cover, with a sunflower on her head. She was still that little girl who made this little boy crazy. The title song, RAIN, is a slow tempo ballad, starting with acoustic guitar and violin. That’s my guessing — I’m not good at telling which instruments are used. The song is about a love story that doesn’t end with a happy ending, but for some reason it' doesn’t have a very sad and dark vibe. It sounds more like a small girl thinking about her first love in happiness. Actually, this ambience fills in the entire album: the sweetness of first love, with just a little bit bitterness. It smells like morning rain in spring days. No matter how old I grow, listening to this album always makes me feel I’m back to be that little boy, who didn’t know much about love, didn’t experience too much about the world, but was full of hope and beautiful expectations.
I once joked about this to my friend. If I have a child one day — which is almost impossible — I’d tell him/her, that this girl is the only one that made your old man cry. She’s your old man’s first love.
I bought the CD, excited, and got back to my aunt’s home where I was staying at the last year of high school. The sky was grey, and it was drizzling. By the time I was back, it started raining. I listened to the song in my room. It was dark, with only one small lamp, but I love the ambience. I wanted to enjoy this moment much longer, even if I had to go back to study.
“The boy’s smile is so gentle, I couldn’t help falling in it.”
That’s a line in the song called Heartbeat. And I thought of Kai, a couple of days before when I was holding his hand. I guess it’s just like the song. I know there’s no chance between him and me, having this experience is enough to warm my heart after these years.
My desk at that time. I was studying chemistry. The cassette player is used for practicing English listening skills. The mug is my favorite one from IKEA, but later it’s broken, and IKEA doesn’t sell this mug anymore. Photo taken in 2010.
Gazi sitting on my bed next to my desk in my aunt’s home. Among all the books for the college entrance exam. She usually doesn’t jump to my bed and stay, so I have to hold her up and put her on the bed so she can stay with me for a few minutes, until she ran away again. She always likes lying or sitting on the floor. Photo taken in 2011.
