Conflicts

Last night when I was laying there on my bed with my eyes closed, I was in my thoughts about myself. About that hole that never seemed to be filled inside me. What is it that I want, actually? Really? I asked myself.

For a moment, I told myself, I wanted to be held fast, to be cared. Even during the surgery yesterday, when the doctor was holding my leg and putting on the bandage, I felt I am cared. Even just that moment. I wanted a man to look at me telling me I am special to him, and I am the only person he wants to spend his life with. Then I’d snuggle into his arms and hold him close. He’ll get on top of me, telling me he loves me, and wants to fuck me. I’ll tell him to love me, and hurt me. I’ll look him into his eyes when he was inside me and when he filled me. And then I’ll hold him, falling asleep. That’s what I wanted.

Then for another moment, I hated that for myself. I wanted to be a man. I wanted to be a real man. To fight for myself and the ones I love. To protect the ones I love. What am I supposed to do then? I had no idea. Nobody ever showed me, or told me in my life. The only thing I think I know how to be a man is to fuck women, and I believe I learned the idea from porn. Isn’t it a bit sad? That what taught me what a man is like is porn.

Maybe I do have internalized homophobia. I hate myself for not being a real man, and not being able to find a man. Whenever I thought what I want is to be fucked by a man, I got angry at myself, because I feel it’s shameful that I can’t be a real man. But after pretending to be a man for a while, I long for the care and sex from a man.

See, just like that, we spend the entire rest of our lives to fix the problem from our childhood.

So this morning, I was listening to GARNET CROW’s 「JUDY」, and finally cried. I was actually worried because I don’t know if crying before training will affect my performance, but surprisingly, it didn’t. After crying, letting the emotions out, which might have been accumulated inside me for a long time, I felt lighter. Something that’s been brewing in my heart is finally outside of me.

I think what got me is the lyrics in the song:

失ってしまったものに出会うという
何処か遠い遠い場所
いつかこの身が自由になる時
行こうねって話したね

古い夢の中? 心の幻想?
そっと息づいてた
支えは脆く今も育ちゆく

Now that tears are out, let’s get back to the game again.