Kiss

I can’t stop thinking about the kiss last night.

I went on a date with Paul last night. He asked me out for a dinner, so we decided on a sushi restaurant. I didn’t expect more than a dinner, because I somehow remembered that he doesn’t want a relationship. I also asked him if he’s discreet — and he is. He doesn’t hold hands in public, so I was fine with it. I was just thinking it was a hang out at best.

When we met we just hugged, and there’s no other intimacy. During dinner, his leg was touching my leg under the table. I found that cute — maybe that’s his way of showing intimacy.

When we got out, it was already dark. As we were walking, he stopped, and turned me around, and kissed me on the lips. That was not what I was expecting, and I still don’t know why I was still thinking about it even today. I felt so good. Maybe because it was rare that I have someone kissing me in public, when it happened, I felt the world just stopped. Literally. Even throughout the day when I thought of it I felt warm in my heart.

That kiss also made me fall in love easily, and I have to be careful. First of all, it’s just a kiss. No matter how good it makes me feel, or how much it warms my heart, it’s just a kiss. I need to be clear about that. It’s the kiss I fall in love with, not the person. If any person I’m on date with did this, I’d feel good too. Second, Paul is just having a casual date, or just a hangout with me. He doesn’t want a relationship. He can’t give me what I want. (But what do I want after all? That’s another issue that I really don’t want to deal with right now.)

I need to stop thinking about it.