Letter for Jon

Photo taken on Hudson River.

After he “broke up“ with me, I haven’t talked to him for quite a while. At the end of the year while I was in my apartment alone, thinking about all the things happened, I realized I still have something left to say to him. Any relationship advisor would say it’s useless, and it’s a bad action, and it only does more harm than good. But I just can’t let it go. It’s been a few months and I still think about him every now and then. Maybe I am looking for a closure, but certainly not a closure for the “relationship“. Maybe it’s a closure to myself.

My plan was to send this letter through mail to his workplace. It seems a bit extreme, yes. I also feel no matter what I do now is redundant, and I should move on. Perhaps, the letter is mainly for myself. Here’s the letter.

Jonathan,

I hope you don’t find me creepy for sending you this letter to your work, but I can assure you there’s no second time. To be honest I don’t even know why I’m writing this, and I know I should just let it go. I guess I just still have something left that I want you to know. Of course you don’t need to respond, or you can just even throw this away, it doesn’t matter already.

Some lonely people tend to mistake kindness for love, and I guess I am one of these people. When someone I was attracted to finally paid attention in reciprocal, satisfied almost all of my fantasies, I thought I have found love. I didn’t know that it’s not love; it’s just lust. If I were more experienced in relationships, I guess I wouldn’t have made this stupid mistake.

Later, I learned that maybe I "love-bombed" you. I complimented you all the time, said nice things all the time, and of course, texted you all the time. I know you were busy doing other things, but I still wanted to chat with you, because I’m too obsessed with you. After we only saw each other twice, being too obsessed is surely not a good sign. I wish I have learned that earlier.

That might also be something your friends told you. I used to hate your friends. They knew we were seeing each other, and yet they insisted on installing Tinder on your phone; it is them who pulled you away from me. But now I understand that your friends care about you, and I appreciate that they look out for you. Even for me, if my bestie is dating someone who has no friends, never had relationship, love-bombed her, I’d advise against her dating that person too, because there’s something off or wrong with that person. So I am truly happy for you that you have real friends to turn to for help, and gave you advice.

When you were at Newark, I texted you "Missing you", and you replied, "Missing you too". From that moment I thought we were on the same page, and that’s why I thought it’s safe to say it to you more often, and I expected the same. Then I learned the subtle difference between "miss" and "think about". As a non-native English speaker, I once thought they are the same, so I made the mistake by saying "I miss you" when what I really meant was probably "I’m thinking about you".

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and undo all my mistakes, or I could have some friends tell me all of that, instead of sacrificing a beautiful connection. But some lessons in life can never be learned without heartbreaking pain and regretful loss.

I still think about you every day, but thankfully not all day. It’s just screenshots from those brief moments we spent together. Sometimes even random things popped up: "boop", "ow", your shaken body when sleeping, your sweet tooth, that small white spot on your hair,... Those tiny things were inked in my head, because for every second I spent with you I put all myself in. I don’t know if time will flush them away eventually, but I wouldn’t force it and wouldn’t be attached to it. If these memories stay, let them stay, because I enjoy every second of it -- it’s just a dream that couldn’t last. If they fade away, then it’s time for me to move on.

Remember you told me that Picasso is his mother’s last name, and he said "Why be a Ruiz when you can be Picasso?" I lost a Ruiz, but I hope one day in this life I can find my Picasso.

After writing down the letter, I did feel that I have got something off of my shoulder, and suddenly I don’t even think it’s necessary to send this letter out, and maybe that’s the best way.

Do I still want him back? Yes I do, but I certainly didn’t write this letter hoping to get him back. Like he said, we should let it happen organically, so I’ll just treat him as a normal friend: not totally cutting him off, but also not getting too close. If he came back, I’d do anything to make it right and have a second try. I’ll cherish the opportunity. If he didn’t, I wouldn’t be depressed either. People are meant to be walking their own ways alone, aren’t they?