Sign

It’s been raining almost all day yesterday. When I woke up from mid day nap, outside the window it was all blank. Nothing. Pure blank. I don’t know if it’s because the hip pain or the heat of my apartment, I was having a headache. I decided to go to the roof top after dinner and have some fresh air. It was freezing, but also refreshing.

I had a brief meeting with Philippos over zoom that afternoon. I was always so happy to just see him. See him smiling, laughing, even just joking with me.

We joked about a lot of things. I told him, he’s my only mentor, and if he’s not my mentor I’d rather quit my job. He said, what if I retire? I said I’ll just retire with you. He mentioned he’ll go to Greece somewhere, and I said I’ll follow you. He said, you’ll have to learn the language and maybe you’ll be a bartender and make cocktails. I said I don’t mind. I didn’t tell him I don’t mind as long as I’ll be with him.

I know he was probably just joking, and thinking it’s just a silly workplace banter. To me, it’s not. Everything I said was serious, even though it sounds like joking, from the tone.

He asked me if I’d grade his homework, and I said, what can I get in return? He asked, what do you want? At that moment, I really wanted to say, I just want you. I want you hold me tight, I want you look at me seriously, look into my eyes, get closer, and kiss me passionately. I want to sleep next to you, holding your arms, listening to your breath. Touch everywhere of yours. Kiss everywhere. Tell you how lucky I am to meet you.

But no I couldn’t. I can’t. I can’t say it out loud, because I don’t know where it’ll lead me. It could be a good place, but also a bad place. It’s not the time for me yet to take a leap. Instead, I said, “You can’t give me what I want.“ He said well then I’m sorry. How I really want him to know that, he is exactly what I want.

I really have no idea where this is going. Is he single? Is he even gay? I still don’t know so much about him. I don’t even know his birthday. Does he really like me, or he just likes me as yet another colleague?

I was standing on the roof top. The fog was heavy. I can’t even see the One World Trade Center, nor the empire building. I stared at the all the city lights I could see, hoping someone give me a sign, to tell me where this is going.