Fire

I don’t know why I always attract introvert people. I always hope my partner can be as passionate, intense, and upfront as me, and not stingy with love words such as “I miss you“ and “I love you“, even if they are just an expression. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not an English native speaker, those words, “love“, “like“, etc., are nothing more than words, without much emotion and feelings. One thing I know is, if I do like, love, or miss someone, I want the other person know. There’s no telepathy, so saying it out loud is the only way to express my feelings. That’s just me. I want to fall in love without hesitation and passionately, which also means I might get hurt seriously, but that’s the risk I want to take. I don’t want to hide my own feelings towards the other person and one day I regret I never let him know that I love or miss him. What if the world will end tomorrow?

Maybe it’s me who wants reciprocal from others which is unreasonable. Not everyone is like that. But again, I have no way to know what other’s think. I want the other person say “I care about you“, or “I miss you“ to me as well, to let me know I’m loved or cared. Maybe it’s ok for me to express it, but expecting or asking the same from the other person is probably just selfish. So, does that mean I give only because I want something in return, not because I truly love him? If I truly love him, I shouldn’t need anything from him. Now I remember the lyrics from GARNET CROW’s Float World: For love it’s better to just keep giving.

I felt I’m sensitive enough to detect the subtle change of the attitude from the other person. Maybe just one shorter text, or one word that’s not normally said before. Is it really that I can sense the change, or just because subconsciously I started to ask for more, I started to expect more, or want more?

I know every relationship teaches us something, so we can do better in the future. But how many relationships do we have to learn from before we can finally overcome the hurdle and settle down?

I don’t know what I’m talking about. Dating someone is really exhausting: you have to keep knowing someone, keep accommodating someone, keep walking on ice and tiptoeing because you don’t want to lose it, and it might just end up being nothing but a lesson.