Their Kind of Love

I don’t know why I am so emotional today. Yesterday I was so fine, and I thought I’m going in the right direction. Today I started missing him a lot. I understand that he’s surrounded by his family, and has a lot of things to do at home, so his text might sound distracted. I wanted to facetime him, so I asked him what his plan is for tonight. He said he’s going to do an outdoor barbecue with family.

I know I might sound unreasonable, but I wonder if he’s living in Florida with his family, does he even need a boyfriend or a partner? Is he looking for a date here in New York area just because he’s living here alone and wanted to have someone as a tool for getting less bored?

Or maybe I just don’t understand, because I have no family here. I have no friends to hang out. I do everything on my own. That’s why I want to find someone, to support each other in this lonely world. Maybe he doesn’t understand me either.

I know my parents’ marriage is far from perfect. They argue a lot; my mom cried about it too, and my dad possibly feels nobody understands him in this family. I still want their kind of love — regardless of reason they stick to each other. When almost all family members have gone their own path and live their own life, my parents finally understand that in the end, eventually, it’s just them, relying on each other, and supporting each other. I want that kind of love — just us, just two people walking together till the end.

I miss him. I miss him every day. He has all his family; I only have him here, but all I can do is to pretend I’m casual, pretend I only treat him as how he treats me. If telepathy really exists, can he feel such a strong feeling? Will he think about me?

I waited so long and finally someone that I thought we have mutual feelings appeared. I don’t know when I will meet the next person who makes me feel this way.

Why am I like this???

I really wanted to cry out loud. Shed my tears, but the fucking antidepressant makes me not able to cry.